Anonymous
I am not yet a success story because I am still struggling and fighting to win. It’s hard for me to face my peers and admit that I am falling apart. To speak words of depression here is a form of social suicide. I’m sure the mere mention of depression makes you think that I am about to leap out a window somewhere and end it all, but that is not the case. I wrote this to give you an idea of what it is like to be caught in the middle of depression instead of looking back on the experience in triumph. By doing it anonymously, I guarantee that you will hear what I have to say without judging me or pitying me. It’s the safest way to help you understand, to help me be heard, and to help others be understood and accepted.
Imagine for a minute that you are swimming. You still need those little arm floaties, but someone took them away from you and thought you were ready for the deep end. You’re out there, struggling, kicking and gasping for air. But you’re still afloat. Now, your arms are tired and so are your legs. You go under. You’re lungs scream for air. From somewhere, you gain the strength to kick again. Now, just your mouth is out of the water. You can’t see where you are or where you are going. You can’t see if help is coming. All you know is that you must keep your mouth out of that water. That becomes your life goal. Nothing else matters. You just kick and kick even though you can’t feel your legs anymore. Now, a lifeguard is suddenly beside you, bracing your arm. You know they are there, but you can’t stop the frantic kicking. You are too focused on keeping your mouth out of the water.
When I first signed up for counseling, it took a great deal of courage. I was afraid what people would think of me and how I would be labeled. I shook when I filled out the form explaining my reasons for seeking help. I made some improvements but then without warning and without explanation, the bottom started to fall out from under me. It’s horrible to know I haven’t hit bottom yet. I’m still falling, but I feel like I passed the lowest point a few miles back. I can’t imagine that these feelings can get worse.
The typical signs of depression were all there: fatigue, sleeping all the time, loss of appetite, and crying. It’s really more than that. It’s like I’m walking around in a fog or a thunderstorm all the time. My judgment is clouded by the fog that surrounds me and I can’t think logically, concentrate or motivate myself to do anything but sleep. I can’t look into the past to remember happy times and I can’t look into the future in anticipation of getting better. All I can do is walk along, living in this fog. I squint so I can see where I am going, but to no avail; it just gives me a headache. I go through the necessary motions of life but nothing extra or ambitious. I’m in survival mode right now so it’s as though nothing else matters.
Then there’s the God thing. I can’t get close to him anymore just like I can’t get close to people. I can’t open up, I can’t trust and I can’t feel. Without this capability, I can’t have a spiritual life. I’ve been praying for relief from this for so long and my prayers haven’t been answered yet. It seems like they just float up and bounce off the ceiling. I don’t feel punished. I just feel ignored. God has turned his back on me, so my defense is to turn my back on him.
I feel very alone, abandoned and worthless. I don’t know where to turn. Since I am at the end of my wits and desperate for a change, I have decided to use medicine but to keep it a secret from my friends and my family. This is the worst part of this disease for me. It’s a disease where you need support from the people around you but you are afraid to ask them to love you unconditionally and support you. The support I get comes mostly from strangers at the Engle Center because they are the only people I trust right now to understand and accept my depression.
There used to be a sense of urgency to heal but now I just feel numb and trapped. Now, it’s a waiting game. I just sit and wait for the medicine to work. I sit and wait for this fog to be lifted. I’m caught in limbo as though my life is on pause, though I know it’s really passing me by. I am walking around going through the motions of a good Messiah University student, but I am really a zombie. I am the shell of a person I used to be and I can’t imagine the person I am going to be if this ever ends. I don’t think anymore. It’s like I find myself sitting and staring at nothing for extended periods of time. There’s nothingness in my head, loneliness in my soul, and frustration in my heart. I am tired of feeling this way but I am powerless to change it.
I’m Humpty-Dumpty, if you will. I was sitting on my wall, minding my own business and then something knocked the world out from under me. I lay there for a while, wallowing in self-pity. Then I tried to put myself back together. That didn’t work, so I asked for help. I am powerless now. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men have been trying to put me back together again for what seems like forever, but they can’t do it right now. It’s as if my life is tangible thing. I’ve done a bad job of running it, so it turned on me. I couldn’t get it under control again so I fell apart. Now, the people at the Engle Center hold my life, my being, in their hands. And I sit and watch. And wait. Until I’m “put back together again.”
The few people that I have reached out to continue to hold me up, insisting that I will get better. I can’t see it right now. The fog is too dense. It’s heavy on my shoulders… and I am tired.
Part Two
I just graduated from Messiah and I wanted to share some more with you. I wrote a story about depression anonymously. It is posted on the Engle Center website. Now, I am giving you an update. I am finally a success story. I found myself and I feel okay. Sometimes it's even hard to remember what it felt like a year ago.
In the time since I wrote that, I've been through a lot. I continued counseling and continued the medication. Things got worse before they got better and I felt even more hopeless than you last heard. Somehow, I kept hanging on.
In counseling at the Engle Center, we focused on learning healthy skills. I learned how to cut back on my negative self-talk. I learned how to better deal with stress. Most importantly, I learned to talk to people about what was going on inside me. But it wasn't helping. Yeah, I don't sound successful yet. J
In the summer of 2004, I studied abroad in Greece. I was able to take a step away from my life here. I got away from my home and Messiah University, where I had felt the worst. It was a new place and I was on my own. I spent five weeks overseas and really opened myself up. So many things happened on that trip.
Whatever was holding me captive back here finally set me free. That's the only way I can explain it. I began more outgoing and more confident in myself. Confidence is what I had been lacking all along. I finally felt like I could take care of myself. I met new people and I had fun. The wall that I had built up around me for so long disappeared. I trusted people. I trusted myself. In some conversations, I picked up lessons about life. For example, one person told me that I "think too much. Just live." From that minute on, that's what I did. Through several field trips of viewing the beginnings of Christianity, I even found a relationship with God again.
I came home with an unexplainable peace in my heart. The pieces of my life that I had been trying to put back together were slowly falling into place. Once I was released from whatever was holding me prisoner, I realized the skills I had learned at the Engle Center were really there. Now, I feel like I will be able to prevent future depression. I've learned so much in such a short time and it has all stuck with me.
Everyday, I wake up knowing that I will make it through the day. I know that some negative things will happen, but I know I will be able to handle them. I know I have people who love me and support me, and I know I get the same from God.
Sometimes, I am still in awe of how different things are. The color came back in the world! I don't have to hide anymore and I am not letting someone else protect my life. Instead, I am living my life!
After all this, I can't tell you how to fix depression. It's different for everyone. I do want you to see that it will go away. It may take time and patience and a lot of discomfort, but you will be free. All I can say is to keep trying different things. For me, it was breaking out of my old lifestyle long enough to see that I could do it. The medication and counseling helped me get through the most difficult times. Now, the skills I learned are what are going to keep me going.